Ring ring...
ROBOT
Thank you for calling the Apple Store Glendale Galleria!...
I'm an automated system that can handle complete sentences. How may I help you today?
ME
Hi! I'm following up on a Genius Bar repair!
ROBOT
Great. I'll transfer your call to AppleCare Technical Support!
ME
No, not AppleCare...crap.
ME hangs up. Redials.
ROBOT
Thank you for calling the Apple Store Glendale Galleria!...I'm an automated system that can handle complete sentences. How may I help you today?
ME
I'd like to speak to someone at the Genius Bar.
ROBOT
Great. I'll transfer your call to AppleCare Technical support
ME sighs heavily, having failed to outsmart the robots protecting the humans of the Glendale Galleria Genius Bar from the wrath of her phone inquiry.
APPLECARE ROBOT
Hi! Thank you for calling AppleCare technical support! Before we get started, tell me what product you're calling about.
ME
I'm not calling about a product. I just need to check in on my Genius Bar repair.
APPLECARE ROBOT
Okay, "Messages." Is that right?
ME
No. NO!
APPLECARE ROBOT
...okay, "Notes." Is that right?
Me thinks to herself "WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE BE CALLING APPLECARE TO TALK ABOUT THE 'NOTES' APP?? What is there to support? You open it, you type!" But once again she realizes she is being forced by the robots to play along.
ME
NO.
APPLECARE ROBOT
ok. what product are you calling about?
ME
MacBook.
APPLECARE ROBOT
okay. I see here that you purchased a MacBook in June of 2007. Is that the MacBook you're calling about?
ME (in a spirit of WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK)
NO!
APPLECARE ROBOT
Ok. Say "MacBook Pro," "MacBook Air," or –
ME
MACBOOK AIR
APPLECARE ROBOT
Ok. Before we can continue, you'll need your serial number.
ME
I don't have my serial number.
APPLECARE ROBOT (willfully ignoring her)
You can find you serial number by going to the apple menu in the upper left hand corner, then clicking "about this Mac," or...
Me desperately wants to tell AppleCare Robot "MY COMPUTER IS AT THE goddamn GENIUS BAR , at the store I called! That is why the fuck I am calling you right now!" But instead...
ME
I don't have it.
APPLECARE ROBOT
If you need more time to find your serial number, just say, "Hold on."
ME
I. DONT. HAVE IT.
APPLECARE ROBOT
Without your serial number, the AppleCare technician won't be able to identify your machine. There may be a charge for technical service given over the phone. Should I wait while you find it, or continue?
ME
CONTINUE!
APPLECARE ROBOT
Ok. I'll connect you to a technical advisor now.
Ring ring...
DAVID
Thank you for calling AppleCare. This is David. May I have your name?
ME
MYNAMEISMARISSAFLAXBARTBUTIDON'
DAVID
...
Me wonders if David has hung up because he doesn't get paid enough to clean up these damn dirty robots' messes.
DAVID (with no apparent intended irony)
Ok, well thank you for your patience. I can try and get in touch with the Genius Bar at...did you say the Glendale Galleria?
ME
YES. Thank you David. I know it's not your fault, but there was no way for me to say the words "GeniusBar" to the first robot without getting sent through to AppleCare! I just want a status update on my laptop!
DAVID
No problem. Can I have your repair number?
Me thinks about her work authorization form, at home in her bedroom. Today, she realizes, the robots won. But there will be another phone call. And when the time for that call comes, she'll be ready.
EPILOGUE:
Me will spend what feels like ten minutes, but is probably only five minutes, on hold. David will check in twice. She will remember after the first hold period that she has an email containing the repair number. Ultimately, she will be told of her computer "they're still working on it, they'll call you when it's ready." She will never speak directly to anyone at the Genius Bar.
