Marissa Flaxbart

Conversation Between Me, Two Robots, and a Human: An Approximate Transcript

Ring ring...

ROBOT
Thank you for calling the Apple Store Glendale Galleria!...
I'm an automated system that can handle complete sentences. How may I help you today?

ME
Hi! I'm following up on a Genius Bar repair!

ROBOT
Great. I'll transfer your call to AppleCare Technical Support!

ME
No, not AppleCare...crap.

ME hangs up. Redials.

ROBOT
Thank you for calling the Apple Store Glendale Galleria!...I'm an automated system that can handle complete sentences. How may I help you today?

ME
I'd like to speak to someone at the Genius Bar.

ROBOT
Great. I'll transfer your call to AppleCare Technical support

ME sighs heavily, having failed to outsmart the robots protecting the humans of the Glendale Galleria Genius Bar from the wrath of her phone inquiry.

APPLECARE ROBOT
Hi! Thank you for calling AppleCare technical support! Before we get started, tell me what product you're calling about.

ME
I'm not calling about a product. I just need to check in on my Genius Bar repair.

APPLECARE ROBOT
Okay, "Messages." Is that right?

ME
No. NO!

APPLECARE ROBOT
...okay, "Notes." Is that right?

Me thinks to herself "WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE BE CALLING APPLECARE TO TALK ABOUT THE 'NOTES' APP?? What is there to support? You open it, you type!" But once again she realizes she is being forced by the robots to play along.

ME
NO.

APPLECARE ROBOT
ok. what product are you calling about?

ME
MacBook.

APPLECARE ROBOT
okay. I see here that you purchased a MacBook in June of 2007. Is that the MacBook you're calling about?

ME (in a spirit of WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK)
NO!

APPLECARE ROBOT
Ok. Say "MacBook Pro," "MacBook Air," or –

ME
MACBOOK AIR

APPLECARE ROBOT
Ok. Before we can continue, you'll need your serial number.

ME  
I don't have my serial number.

APPLECARE ROBOT (willfully ignoring her)
You can find you serial number by going to the apple menu in the upper left hand corner, then clicking "about this Mac," or...

Me desperately wants to tell AppleCare Robot "MY COMPUTER IS AT THE goddamn GENIUS BAR , at the store I called! That is why the fuck I am calling you right now!" But instead... 

ME
I don't have it.

APPLECARE ROBOT
If you need more time to find your serial number, just say, "Hold on."

ME
I. DONT. HAVE IT.

APPLECARE ROBOT
Without your serial number, the AppleCare technician won't be able to identify your machine. There may be a charge for technical service given over the phone. Should I wait while you find it, or continue?

ME
CONTINUE!

APPLECARE ROBOT
Ok. I'll connect you to a technical advisor now.

Ring ring...

DAVID
Thank you for calling AppleCare. This is David. May I have your name?

ME
MYNAMEISMARISSAFLAXBARTBUTIDON'TNEEDTOSPEAKWITHAPPLECAREI'MJUSTTRYINGTOREACHTHEGENIUSBARATTHEGLENDALEGALLERIAINGLENDALECALIFORNIABECSUSETHEYHAVEHADMYCOMPUTERSINCEFRIDAY,THEYWERESUPPOSEDTOCALLMEMONDAYANDNOWITSWEDNESDAYANDIJUSTWANTTOKNOWWHATTHEHELLISHAPPENINGWITHMYCOMPUTER

DAVID
...

Me wonders if David has hung up because he doesn't get paid enough to clean up these damn dirty robots' messes.

DAVID (with no apparent intended irony)
Ok, well thank you for your patience. I can try and get in touch with the Genius Bar at...did you say the Glendale Galleria?

ME
YES. Thank you David. I know it's not your fault, but there was no way for me to say the words "GeniusBar" to the first robot without getting sent through to AppleCare! I just want a status update on my laptop!

DAVID
No problem. Can I have your repair number?

Me thinks about her work authorization form, at home in her bedroom. Today, she realizes, the robots won. But there will be another phone call. And when the time for that call comes, she'll be ready.

EPILOGUE:
Me will spend what feels like ten minutes, but is probably only five minutes, on hold. David will check in twice. She will remember after the first hold period that she has an email containing the repair number. Ultimately, she will be told of her computer "they're still working on it, they'll call you when it's ready." She will never speak directly to anyone at the Genius Bar.

A Little Ego Boost

The Netflix Conundrum is one that's familiar to any cinephile or TV fanatic with access to the online service: there are so many choices that it makes it hard to pick anything at all. Personally, I tend to address this problem by watching the same few television series, over and over again. Typically these are sitcoms, and I put them on in lieu of anxiety medication, or like a kind of security blanket, capable of putting me to sleep at night or getting me out of bed in the morning. 

Generally speaking, my drug of choice is 30 Rock.

Seven whole seasons, suitable for day or evening use, and chock-full of jokes that you missed during previous viewings, because you were busy brushing your teeth or trying to decide if you should get dressed, read a book, or play one more game of 2048 on your phone.

Yesterday, I caught a hilarious moment I'd forgotten: narcissist Jenna, nervous, is about to rehearse her first-ever song for America's Kidz Got Singing, the show that's made her infamous as a hater of children's sweet renditions of public-domain tunes. Before raising the mic, she whispers to herself, "This is your moment. The world breathes for you. I love you, myself." Jenna says "I love you" to herself so earnestly that you have to laugh. We know there's no one she loves more. It's her best and worst trait.

For all the narcissists, self-loathers, and anyone in between who might need Jenna's mantra to sing a song, face an interview, or just get those clothes on in the morning, I made this little GIF. Use as needed.

 

Comic Strip Wisdom

PICKLES, 11/20/11

Politics Imitating Art (?)

I do not know much about James Cappleman, and I don't have the option of voting for him in Chicago's upcoming elections, as I don't live in Chicago's 46th ward. He's on twitter, which is cool. He has a pretty logo. But when I saw his sign for the first time yesterday (when I happened to be in the 46th ward) all I could think was "Is he going to change our money, and make it super-fly?"

Here's why:
 

Sorry about all that, Mr. Cappleman. Leave it to a Sifl & Olly fan to draw connections to obscure 3rd-season, DVD-only nonsense skits.

Super Bowl: Heyday for Roman Numerals

I'm a big fan of Roman numerals. Maybe it's because I'm a closet elitist and I know that my understanding of Roman numerals makes me better than you. Or, if not you, someone who knows less than you, or does fewer crossword puzzles.

Vanity aside, the fun thing about Roman numerals is how they manage to simplify some numbers and complicate others. Take dates, a commonly Roman-ed numeral form. This year, MMXI, that doesn't save us any button pressing when we type it. But back in 2000, we were at a nice-and-easy MM. What fun! Equally fun was the 1980s, but for opposite reasons. At the close of an episode of Taxi, got example, we might see the letters "MCMLXXXIII" which is a pretty hilarious way of saying "1983." Am I right?

The Super Bowl is one common way a lot of people come across Roman numerals. This year is Super Bowl XLV, which looks a million time cooler on advertisements than "45." And guess what, number (or football) fans? In just five years, it's gonna be Super Bowl L. Wow. That'll be easy to type.

Here's one of my favorite Roman numeral gags:

 

A Story About the Pillows

Today I went to the grocery store with my father. We had to visit the local Jewel, which is an always crowded dump, and Trader Joe's, which is always full of wonderful stuff but doesn't carry staples like dishwasher fluid or Diet Dr. Pepper.

Since we live in busy River North, our course from store to store takes us past things that are destinations for some citygoers, like the Weber Grill restaurant (one of several reasons why Chicago's Near North Side smells always smells like meat) or the giant Medinah Temple that's now a Bloomingdale's home store, a switch in occupancy that has always struck me as a pointed commentary on religion and commerce.

Because it's January, and it's Chicago, being outside is something of an x-treme sport. So, to break up the trek from Jewel to TJ's, we wordlessly decided to cut through the aforementioned Temple Bloomingdale's and safe ourselves a city block of outdoor walking. I heard a saleswoman mention that all "gadgets" were on sale, which struck me as a pretty vague sale classification. Right as we were leaving the store to head back to the frigid streets, my dad spotted some women leaving with huge, clear plastic bags full of pillows. Dad wondered aloud if pillows were on sale. And that's when I saw it: next to me stood a huge sign that read "One Day Sale."

This is how a short trip out for groceries turned into an hourlong pillow shopping spree. My father isn't much of a bargain hunter, but when you're already in the same building as a One Day Sale, and, wonder of wonders, you actually NEED something, there's no turning back.

We came home with a small fortune of pillows and pillow covers...and no groceries. Dropping our own huge, clear plastic bags on the floor, we trekked back out for somethings edible.

I really admire my dad's willingness to spend money on nice things, and I look forward to one day having enough money to follow in his footsteps. For now, though, I'll have to be content with enjoying being a participant in his success story, and hope that someday I'll be able to furnish my own kids with surprise pillows and pillow covers without a second thought.

Not-So-Nice Haiku: Kendra

I have a feeling I'm going to be writing a lot of these. Enjoy.

Kendra

Looking at Kendra
"Playboy Reality Star"
All I can think is:

She's not that sexy.
But maybe that's just because
I have heard her voice.

Marissa's Tips for Living the Dream #9: Feel Like a Drug Dealer Without Breaking the Law

If you want to experience the fun and metrics of being a drug dealer, but don't want to sell, handle, or see any illicit drugs, boy have I got a tip for you tonight! Instead of using an fancy store-bought pill splitter to split your prescription medications, break out a sharp paring knife and start sawing away in the kitchen. With any luck, your pills will break unevenly, leaving you with a powdery mess to sweep into your hand or lick off the counter.

Pretending is fun!

Two New Movie Reviews

I've got new reviews of two movies up on Cineplexus. 

Please Give (★★★★ of 5)

Cyrus (★★★½ of 5)

Things the movies have in common:

Catherine Keener

Kind of fat guys

Surprising realism

Directed by the writer(s)

There may be other things, but those are the biggies. Enjoy!

Charlie's Brilliant.

This is possibly the craziest shit I've ever seen. Thank you, Vince Noir.

(Sorry about the Flash, iPhone folks).